LACY FANTASY TO ECSTASY
When the Journey to Self-Love Begins….
I am standing in front of my mirror, wearing a wine red lacy bra, which is partially visible from my unbuttoned red and white check shirt. Today I don’t want to button up my shirt even though we are going out. No-No I am not this bold. In fact I am not at all bold. I have not even been able to carry a sleeveless top without feeling awkward. But today it feels different, I feel amazing looking at my curvy light skinned body. I was always pretty fair but these, mostly covered parts are even lighter. And this deep Red is complimenting my cleavage so well. This is my first full lace underwired bra. I bought it almost a year back but never wore it just like my other lacy intimate possessions which I bought but never bothered to even remove the tag. Lacy lingerie is not something you can simply wear and run errands. The other reasons why women wear these kind of intimate apparels is somehow not relevant for me. Thanks to zivame, that you don’t have to undergo hesitant conversations with shopkeepers. Hence I ordered some exotic pieces to bring some excitement into my undergarment drawer. Since my teens I always wore white and skin colored cotton bras that my mum got me. Even for my wedding my mother accompanied me for all the shopping, and wow! I accumulated some pinks and peaches some cotton and some synthetic lingerie but no lace. So wearing a full lace bra today is making me feel awesome. I didn’t know that wearing a sexy bra can be so empowering. Appreciating my own beauty I am not willing to let my body get covered. Even though My belly is not so perfect with all those stretch marks and some extra bulges showing up just above where my black jeans is fastened.
And suddenly he passed me by, looked at me and crossed me without paying any attention to this gorgeous lady. I know he has never found me gorgeous, and it’s not a new thing for me. He has never bothered to look at me or my feminine belongings intensely. But today it is not making me upset. For past 10 years I have always felt sad whenever I did not receive his attention.
I Guess I am quite used to being rejected by him every time now. No wonder he did not react to my unbuttoned shirt from which a lacy garment is peeping out. I didn’t even receive the desired attention from him back then also.The first time when I wore a strappy short length nighty, it actually was a big deal for me. In my parent’s home I was not allowed to wear even short tops with jeans forget about shorts or skirts. And this nighty is not at all a baby doll stuff but just a cotton grey colored short piece with adjustable straps and colorful polka dots on it. Well, I still have it so this description is justified. Coming back to our honeymoon when I dared to wear this cute little nighty he was already fast asleep when I stepped out of the bathroom a little nervous. I slipped inside the quilt hoping that he would wake up. But he dint turn towards me. As I was facing his back so I hugged him from behind. We were 5 days old married couple then and nothing much had happened between us because we stay in a joint family and you can’t get involved a lot with all these people around you all the time, I assumed. At home I was sleeping in a full length pink satin nighty underneath a full sleeves same pink satin robe which my mother bought me ‘Especially’ for the wedding but since the upper robe was never removed therefore it was not comfortable to sleep in these two layers even though it was winter season. So for the rest two nights I wore a basic pink night suit. By the way pink has always been my favorite color. Even now if you open my wardrobe your eyes will experience almost all the light and darker shades of pinks and peaches in both Indian and Western outfits that I own.
So yes my warm touch might have woken him up, he still didn’t turn to face me but bothered to give an inquisitive touch to my bare arms and legs asking me “What are you wearing”?. A nighty I answered with excitement. “Okay” he said but never shifted his sleeping posture. Soon he was snoring away to glory. Of course my teary eyes did not want to sleep the entire night. And then night after night I was unable to sleep with this man on the other side of the bed, which by the way I brought along with me as part of the compulsory Wedding gift from girl’s father. This man who technically I am married to, wakes up only in the morning just half an hour before he has to leave for his office. I am baffled to witness such an undisturbed 8–9 hours sleeping pattern over all these years.
But Today I feel Different — Unperturbed and confident in my own way. It took a lot of years to figure out that I am normal and beautiful, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I have to now stop looking at myself from his eyes. My own eyes define me better I know. I don’t need anyone else to make me feel valued and loved. It’s my fault that I never loved myself enough to realize that I deserve all that I Desire. The tides of Desire that rise in my heart often, which I have been trying to quiet for a decade now don’t make me a sinner.
I look charming and seductive even though I am not trying to seduce anyone. I am simply beautiful and desirable. But I don’t depend on others to desire my Physical or emotional self. Ah! Finally I love myself. My own Self. My eyes look into my own eyes in the mirror just to say that you are looking pretty and many men find you attractive. The rejections don’t make you undesirable sweetie. Also my cheeks are again showing up the hints of pink which I always had in my teens till my mid-twenties. It took me a while to find the unadulterated love which I was mostly looking for in other people’s heart. It was suppressed under the layers of my own fears, Judgments/values, sacrifices and a controlled upbringing. But I have it now. Yes, I have this ocean of love for my own self as I continue to grow in the garden of life with almost the same trees but now I know that my flowers can be admired with all the flaws in leaves and thorns in my stem. I am allowed to prioritize myself, love myself and take care of myself without feeling guilty. And this super significant lesson, was never taught to me in my school, college or home. I taught this to myself and I revise this every day to keep passing the life-exams with flying colors.
